AVALON Couples Summarized!
by Narri-chan
Summary: Dissecting the many possibilities of the AVALON: Web of Magic pairings! Because yes, we ARE that bored! n.n (Read and review! And we mean it! WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!)n.n; Enjoi!


**IT'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH…SO LET'S DO IT AGAIN! **

**AVALON Couples Summarized in 10 Steps Or Less!**

**Note: This fic is not supposed to mock any of these pairings…just poke some harmless fun at them. Especially not the alternate pairings, which we had a good deal of fun with in particular... But if you like any of these pairings and/or are offended by the fic, please raise your hands over your head and run screaming to the nearest shoe store. Once you get there, ask them to make you a cheeseburger. (This will not help, but we think it will be funny.)**

**Disclaimer: We do not own AVALON: Web of Magic. That belongs to the highly-esteemed Rachel Roberts…who we wish we were. (sobs) Leave us in our shame…

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**ADRIANE/ZACH:**

**(1) **Adriane: Oh, you're weird and moody. Plus, I'm the badass of the series. Beat it.

**(2)** Zach: Since you're the first human, much less FEMALE human I've ever seen, I'll proceed to fall head-over-heels in love with you. Okay?

**(3)** Adriane: Well, this COULD help show a more sensitive, feminine side of myself to the readers, but I dunno…

**(4)** Zach: Well what if I follow you all over the place and save your ass numerous times?

**(5)** Adriane: Okay, deal. Plus, since we're both bonded to the Drake, however the heck that happened, I now have inexplicably romantic feelings for you. And it's better than getting paired up with Joey.

**(6)** Zach: I'm the only one who could keep up with you anyways. (sexy grin)

**(7)** Both: (make out)

**KARA/LORREN:**

**(1)** Lorren: Hello, Princess. (deep bow)

**(2)** Kara: You're cute, but my friend's gonna melt like Haagen Dazs in July. Later.

**(3)** Lorren: Well, what if I pull a Zach and follow you around saving your ass every couple of chapters?

**(4)** Kara: That'd be nice. Too bad I'm oblivious to my own romantic affairs.

**(5)** Lorren: It's pretty obvious we're going to be together since I'm a prince and you're the impossibly-inexplicably-innaccurate descendant of a famous fairy queen, somehow making you a princess.

**(6)** Kara: True.

**(7)** Both: (hug)

**(8)** Lorren: I don't suppose I'm ever getting any, am I?

**(9)** Kara: You're funny. (pats head) When you've been in more than one book, then we'll talk.

**EMILY/KYLE:**

**(1)** Emily: How on Earth did they come up with this pairing?

**(2)** Kyle: No clue. Aren't you my little sister's friend?

**(3)** Emily: And don't you always make fun of me?

**(4)** Kyle: Well, by now everybody knows it's just lighthearted fun. And I'm too cute for you to hate.

**(5)** Emily: Point. And we ARE a fan favorite when they're not pairing me up with Ozzie. Ew.

**(6)** Kyle: YAY!

**(7)** Both: (make out)

**EMILY/OZZIE:**

**(1)** Ozzie: (becomes an elf. Again.)

**(2)** Emily: Oh, Ozzie, now that you have done some-random-service-for-the-fairimentals-that-probably-involved-helping-us-defeat-the-Spider-Witch-and-the-Dark-Sorceress-and-saving-Avalon-so-they-rewarded-you-with-turning-you-back-into-an-elf, now we can finally realize our LOVE!

**(3)** Ozzie: Yep! And nobody even cares that I'm an entirely different race and I'm at LEAST two feet shorter than you and the readers fear for what our kids will look like!

**(4)** Both: (proceed to pursue a very chaste relationship to avoid overshadowing more interesting couples such as Adriane and Zach)

**EMILY/ZACH:**

**(1)** Zach: Adriane, I love you!

**(2)** Adriane: (dies tragically in the Final Battle®. People wonder if this event and Zach's previous declaration are in any way related.)

**(3)** Zach: Oh, **CENSORED**! (sobs)

**(4)** Emily: Here, cry in my arms, you poor, poor thing! (proceeds to give a heatfelt and lengthy speech about how Adriane loved them all but died for a good cause, and how everybody has to kick the bucket eventually. Zach is consoled. Readers are moved. Kleenex boxes are emptied. The authoress is very very smug.)

**(5)** Zach: (sniffle) Okay, I feel better now. But I'm going to be very angsty because virtually everybody I love has been killed off, half the cast died in the Final Battle® anyways, depending on the author's individual character preferences, leaving us pretty much alone.

**(6)** Emily: Well, since Kyle/Ozzie is either dead or the authoress is in denial about our relationship(s), maybe we should fall slowly and depressingly in love with eachother.

**(7)** Zach: That sounds about right.

**(8)** Both: (hug)

**ADRIANE/JOEY:**

**(1)** Zach: (dies…somehow. Probably in the Final Battle®, but he HAS been otherwise murdered several times, so who knows?)

**(2)** Adriane: (sobs) This sucks! First Storm, now Zach! Everybody leaves me, I'm so alone, my life is worthless, angst, whine, bitch, and other depressing sentiments, ETC!

**(3)** Joey: (steps out of the closet reserved for almost-nonexistant characters) Hey, there's always me! I've had a barely-acknowledged crush on you forever, I'm cute, available, and in virtually no danger of dying!

**(4)** Adriane: (has already killed self dramatically and is causing a traffic jam on the Spirit Trail making out with Zach)

**(5)** Joey: Shit. I'm gonna be a virgin forever. (stomps offstage)

**KARA/MARCUS:**

**(1)** Lorren: (dies tragically/heroically in the Final Battle®. The readers are suspiciously beginning to see a trend.)

**(2)** Kara: Oh no, Lorren! (mutters) Aww, man! I'm the prettiest, most popular girl in the entire series, and now I have no boyfriend! Adriane and Emily are never gonna let me live this down…they've each got two guys falling all over them! Hmm, I wonder if they'd loan me one…

**(3)** Marcus: (ALSO steps out of Closet-Specially-Reserved-For-Minor-Characters) Hey, didn't you have a crush on ME?

**(4)** Kara: Oh yeah? When?

**(5)** Marcus: Emily mentioned it in Book 4. (points)

**(6)**You sure this isn't just an excuse to get more attention for yourself? You ARE an almost-nonexistant character, after all.

**(7)** Marcus: Of course not! (crosses fingers)

**(8)** Kara: Well all right then! n.n

**(9)** Both: (Make out)

**KARA/EMILY:**

**(1)** Emily: Oh my gosh, everybody has either shacked up or gone back to Aldenmor (WHAT is the fascination with that place!) or died tragically in the Final Battle®, leaving us all alone!

**(2)** Kara: Logically, the only thing to do is to completely ignore all other guys on Earth who might like us and fall completely in love with eachother! Oh, Emily, I love you!

**(3)** Emily: Oh, Kara, I love you too!

**(4)** Both: (make out)

**(5)** Readers: EWWW! (either click the "back" button, the "x" button, or don't make it in time and throw up all over their monitors)

**EMILY/ADRIANE:**

**(1)** All other characters have either been sealed back into their own world(s) or have died tragically in…you guessed it…the Final Battle®. Except for Kara who, if not dead, is probably off ruling the Fairy-Goblin Realms with an iron fist. How happy.

**(2)** Adriane: All our friends have left us here on Earth with nothing but memories of the Good Old Days! (sob, angst, etc.)

**(3)** Emily: Don't cry, Adriane! I have to tell you now…I…I LOVE YOU!

**(4)** Adriane: Oh my gosh Emily, because of the twisted way this fanfic works…suddenly I LOVE YOU TOO!

**(5)** Both: (make out)

**(6)** The Readers: (violently demand a map to the authoress's house and a detailed list of her greatest fears and any home security systems she may have)

**EMILY/KARA/ADRIANE:**

**(1) **Mmm...threesome...

**(2)** The Authoress: (is brutally slughtered by a lynch mob of Adriane/Zach, Emily/Kyle, Kara/Lorren, Emily/Ozzie, Adriane/Joey, Zach/Emily, and Kara/Marcus fans. The fans justify their actions with the phrase "She was asking for it!".)

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**(A/N:) (That "threesome" thing goes out to j00, Jadey.) Any more ideas?Anybody I missed?Because I'd love to make fun of them, too! n.n Review now, m'kay? All flames will be fed to the Drake! (blows kisses) Ta-ta! **


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